Nelly’s “Hey Porsche” is the Saddest a Joyful Song Could Possibly Make Me Feel

Posted on May 18, 2013

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ImageWhenever I hear Flo Rida’s “Whistle,” I cringe, thinking of soccer moms in minivans, mindlessly whistling along with their preteens. Wake up moms! It’s not about a whistle. Though I felt certain that song had hit the shameless, double entendre pop rap bottom, here comes our old friend Nelly to ensure that the wordplay bar remains embarrassingly low. Released with little fanfare — undoubtedly because Nelly is so very ashamed it has come to this — “Hey Porsche” does what countless dumb songs have done in the past — it compares a sexy car to a sexy woman. Sample lyric — “Come on let me slide under / so I can work on / work on you.” Cornell “Nelly” Haynes, Jr., Vagina Mechanic, at your service.

Welp, here’s a quick list of Pros and Cons about what’s sure to be the song of the Spring or whatever we decide to call this absurd back-and-forth pattern of conflicting weather systems.

Pros

  • Nelly may be a horrible lyricist, but slap enough vocal effects on a track and he is not a horrible singer (At the very least he’s improved since his first attempt at R&B).
  • Nelly has provided the world with a beat that is destined to be included in a mash-up infinitely more enjoyable than his original song. My ears turn to you, Gregg Gillis.
  • Nelly has a sincere enough love for sports cars that he knows how to correctly pronounce Porsche (Por-sha). This enables him to pen such moving couplets as “Hey lil’ Porsche / I wanna try ya.” Nothing rhymes with porsh.
  • Nelly has obviously listened to the Saves the Day record In Reverie, judging from the guitar tone. I love In Reverie too, Nelly.

Good job, Nelly. Four things I pretend-like about your shit new song!

Cons

  • It’s completely innocuous on its surface, as close to the center of mainstream dance pop as one can get. Could be interpreted as a pro, but no, it’s a Nelly song with no rapping. Solely in terms of recognizing your strengths (just rapping, sir), this is worse than “Whistle.”
  • Porsche owners may get this song stuck in their heads every time they “push start to ignition” and begin to hate their own cars.
  • About that line — “I don’t need nobody’s permission (yeah) / no keys / push start to ignition.” So. If we are to commit to the lyrical concept of this song, that the “car” is actually a woman, does Nelly not need your permission to do whatever “push start to ignition” is the sexual equivalent to? Mull that one over, Porsche owners and date rapists.
  • Hot shit! The bridge is just the worst. Nelly actually sings “as I’m cruising control” instead of “losing control” because hey, this song is still sort of about cars right?

I get it, I’m mad at this song mostly because Nelly was done, and that was the natural order of things. Dude’s been kind of a joke for a long time. But this song is happening. It’s catchy. It’s danceable. It has memorable lyrics. It’s going to be the stupid frat jam of the year. And we all have to deal with that.

Carpooling moms, you’ve been warned. IT’S NOT ABOUT A CAR.

Featured in The Michigan Daily, 1/31/13

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Posted in: New Music